The Mighty Ducks trilogy ranks right up there with some of the greatest trilogies of our lifetime: The Lord of The Rings, The Godfather, Star Wars, and of course how could we forget 3 Ninjas (how does Tum Tum beat anybody up, come on let’s get real). What is truly remarkable about The Mighty Ducks trilogy is the transformation of Gordon Bombay from alcoholic lawyer to one of the greatest coaches in hockey history. No one could have foreseen the epic career Bombay would have after a simple DUI led him to the District 5 Peewee hockey team. The Mighty Ducks isn’t just a movie for kids and young adults, it’s about life lessons. One mistake didn’t derail Gordon Bombay’s life; it took him somewhere he never expected and not only did it make him a better person, but also led him to a life of great fame and fortune. Now, in a never before seen three part series, I will dissect all three Mighty Ducks movies. Today we examine the first film, where all the magic began.
Throughout the three years of being with the Ducks, at one point or another he had the support of a cast of characters including: Mr. Duckworth, Hans, Jans, Ms. McKay, and Mr. Tibbles of Hendrix Hockey. However, what really catapulted Gordon Bombay into legendary status was the acquisition of Adam Banks to the District 5 Mighty Ducks via the perennial champion Hawks. Due to new convenient zoning regulations Adam “Cake Eater” Banks was playing for the wrong team and was forced to leave the dominant Hawks to go suit up for the abysmal Ducks. Off the ice Adam Banks is a quiet young man, but when he laces up the skates and steps on the ice, he is all business and is supremely talented, reminiscent of a young Sidney Crosby. He lives and breathes hockey, that’s what makes him great. Jesse Hall gave the nickname “Cake Eater” to Banks, which according to urbandictionary.com means someone who is so rich that he can have his cake and eat it too. I’ve never understood why these idiots get mad when the best player in peewee hockey joins their team, they’d rather just continue sucking.
Besides Banks, who on the team is worth anything? The correct answer to that is absolutely nobody. There is no way to sugar coat it, this team sucks. They are small, unathletic, have low hockey IQs, there are girls on the team, and they all possess a loser’s mentality. Nobody should be able to win with this vast collection of garbage. Rarely, if ever, do co-ed teams ever succeed in male sports, stay in your lane ladies. As we find out though, Gordon Bombay is able to defy all odds.
The so called “captain” of the team is Charlie Conway who has the nickname “Spazway”, is that really what you want your captain to be known as? How can your captain be one of the losers on the team, he has no friends, yet lets anoint him captain. Some people might argue that because his famous “triple deke” won the district title at the very end that Conway was a solid hockey player, but one lucky play doesn’t make you good. Conway didn’t become a real player until he learned how to play two-way hockey in the third movie. Once again, I can’t stress this enough, he’s a little bitch. The only reason that Conway was looked at as one of the stars, was because Bombay wanted to have sexual relations with Conway’s mother, it’s as simple as that. If Conway’s mother looked like Susan Boyle then there is no way he gets captain status. Bombay definitely had ulterior motives for naming Charlie captain but I can’t fault him for it.
Fulton Reed at this stage in his career was simply a one trick pony and a loose cannon. He wears a trench coat, has long, dark, greasy hair, and has a little gothic look to him. If one person was going to lose his mind and murder every Mighty Duck it would be him, no doubt about it. Although he was the enforcer of the group, he still wasn’t the big badass he would later become. When you look around the roster, he looks a lot tougher because of the sissy girls (literally and figuratively) on the team. He had his specialty power shot but it wasn’t accurate. He also wasn’t a fluid skater, had low confidence and was definitely a bag of hammers. There’s no doubt in my mind if there was a Mighty Ducks reunion he wouldn’t be in attendance because he was either in jail or rehab.
Goldberg was a fat, out of shape goalkeeper who was not dedicated to the sport and has a weak glove, which is why he eventually loses his spot to a girl the next year. What a pathetic excuse of an “athlete” he is. Goldberg is not a guy you would want in your foxhole, but if you are running with the bulls in Spain you want him right next to you, because his fatass is lazy and is bound to fall victim to the bulls. It would be pure comedy. Goldberg may provide a little boost in morale and be a good chemistry guy because of his comedic relief, but his humor is quite juvenile and in any other situation he would just be an overweight guy that was laughed at, not with. The rest of the roster isn’t even worth discussing because they are hardly memorable. None of the girls were hot and none of the guys were any good.
Gordon Bombay was able mold this cast of talentless misfits (excluding Banks) into a winning squad that was able to beat the big bad Hawks, who were far superior in every category. The Hawks were like the UCLA Bruins basketball teams of the 60’s and 70’s, they were that dominant in District play. Bombay was able to convince these kids that ducks were somehow very intimidating which is blasphemous but they bought it, proving again the low level of intelligence with this group. Bombay was an innovator when he revolutionized hockey formations with the world renowned “Flying V” that was nearly unstoppable. After the improbable and stunning game winning goal by Conway, Bombay had now finally defeated his mentor and former coach, the vitriolic Jack Reilly. There’s a new sheriff in town and it’s Gordon Bombay. This was the start of the epic coaching career, where Bombay would eventually enter the pantheon of hockey coaches.
Stayed tuned next week for the second installment of the Mighty Ducks Trilogy analysis.